A letter from the past

I like to write letters to myself.  I have an app on my iPod called “Future Me” that allows me to write letters to myself in the future.  I do it all the time.  I write reminders to myself of things I want to do.  I send myself pictures of projects that I don’t want to forget about.  But, mostly I write letters to myself to remember.

This morning I dressed Margot up in a little onesie that has the name “Banzo” written on it.  That’s what we called her before we knew she was a her.  It’s short for garbanzo bean.  I dressed her up in that little onesie, a reminder of the baby I carried inside of me.  Then I sat down and checked my e-mail and saw that I received a letter from Past Lex.  It was from one year ago.  We had been going through all kinds of tests to see if we would be able to have a baby, and we had just had a particularly awful experience with an insensitive doctor.  One year ago today I felt totally hopeless.  I felt like my dream of being a mother was out of my reach.  And I was sad.  I was so sad.  And I sat down and wrote a letter to myself.

The actual words are unimportant, but I remember how I felt when I was writing it.  And, now, today… one year later… I read the letter with my little girl sitting in my lap.  I remembered those feelings of hopelessness and despair and then I looked down at two beautiful bright eyes looking up at me.

Obviously I didn’t know it then, but very soon after writing that letter our dream would become a reality.  Our little Banzo Bean.  Our sweet baby Margot.

I was so sad writing that letter, and these past 12 weeks, since Margot entered this world have not been easy.  We have had to deal with things nothing could have prepared us for.  But, they have been wonderful weeks.

I am glad Past Lex wrote that letter to Today Lex.  It’s important to remember where we’ve been in life.  To remember the tough times as well as the good.

Right now our little Banzo Bean is 12 weeks old and is playing in her Daddy’s lap.  She’s cooing and sucking on her fingers and kicking him in the stomach and it is so, so wonderful.  And every minute we get to spend with her is a blessing.  Remembering how we got here makes that even clearer.


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