You often hear people talking about that moment when their child is put in their arms for the first time and the wave of love that overcomes them. People say they never knew they could love someone like that. Or they have never loved someone they just met so much. Or any of those variations on the theme.
When Margot was first put in my arms, I felt love, for sure. But, mostly, I felt relief and surprise and wonder at what my own body was capable of. I felt joy and glee that this person we had been waiting for was finally here. I felt pride and gratitude. I felt a million things. But, none of what I felt was surprising to me. I knew I would feel that way. I never had that overwhelming feeling of love greater than anything I had ever felt before. I think part of that is because I was already so in love with the little baby growing inside of me, and I think part of it was that I knew my capacity for love. I love things. I love things with such intensity and with my whole being. So, I knew that my child would be no different.
I knew that I would do everything in my power to protect her and take care of her. But, I had already been doing that for 9 months. I loved her even before I knew that she was inside of me. I had given up a stressful job in anticipation of her conception. I had taken control of my health and well-being in order to prepare my body for pregnancy. If we are being realistic here, the truth is, I loved this little girl before I ever even met the other love of my life (this guy). I had been waiting my whole life to be a mother. I had spent my whole life anticipating how much I would love my baby.
So, yes, with Margot, it was love at first sight. But, I admit that I was waiting for that overwhelming feeling that others had talked about. I felt like maybe I had been too well-prepared for her arrival so I missed out on something that should have taken me by surprise.
But, recently, you guys… I am IN LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE. Like, crazy love. Like, if you could convert my love into actual energy, we would be able to keep every light bulb in the whole world on for the rest of forever and you would still have energy left over.
And I fall more in love with her every. single. day. Every time she smiles at me, every time she lights up when I walk into the room, I am done for.
Now, today, she turns 4 months old. I am not ready for her to be a four month old. I feel like every month that passes is a milestone that I am not ready for. Three months was the end of her newborn stage. Now, four months is like… it’s really over. 5 months will be one month before 6, and then… oh my god, FORGET IT when she is 6 months old. Half a year???
But, I’m getting ahead of myself. I tend to do that.
My parents were visiting last night and I said that I am not ready for Margot to be 4 months old, and my Dad commented how, for the first time in my life, I am asking for time to slow down. I have always been anticipating the next dozen steps and as a kid (and as an adult) I was always eager to move on to the next stage. Maybe I am finally ready to slow down and live in this very moment because Margot is what I was always running towards.
Since we’re on the topic of birthdays, my next one (it’s 7 months away…) is a “big” one. I will be turning 30 years old. And I am so ready for it. I have no anxiety about leaving my 20’s. I have all the things that I want in my life. I have an awesome husband, I have a beautiful daughter… and, well, beyond those two things… everything else is gravy. And, I have lots of gravy, too.
So, Time, if you’re out there, if you’re reading our blog… I’m not in a rush anymore. Please slow down the earth’s rotations, because this day is the only one like it that I will ever get and I want it to last a long, long time.
Here’s your fix of moments with Margot frozen in time: