I am a very attached parent. Maybe you remember me gushing about how in love I am with my sweet baby girl, just a few days ago?
Well, tonight, just now, like, literally 2 minutes before sitting down to write this… I willingly let someone take my daughter away from me.
Okay, okay, that “someone” was her father, and the whole thing was my idea in the first place. But, I had serious second thoughts and as he was loading her into the car to head out to Daddy and Me story time at the library, I definitely called after him, “I changed my mind!!!!”
I also, maybe, a little, tiny bit… cried.
Like I said, I am a very attached parent.
This is how Margot and I spend our days. Attached to each other quite literally.
And this is the first time in 4 months that I have willingly been separated from her. Scratch that… this is the first time in 14 months, because there was a good 10 month time period there where Margot and I were even more attached then we are now.
I think the key term here is “willingly” because Margot and I have been separated before, and it was by force. By force of me being in the hospital. Part of what makes this so hard for me is that very first time we were separated. It was so painful for me. I cried that time, not “maybe, a little, tiny bit”, but I cried like someone had cut out my heart. When we were separated that time, I did not know when I would see her again. I had just been given news that had knocked the air out of me, and I did not even know if I was going to be alright. And then I said goodbye to my tiny baby girl. And that hurt. so. much.
This is also part of the reason that I refuse to “just give Margot a bottle” so that I can go places where my breastfeeding her is… frowned upon… or, so that I can get a “break.” The only time she’s ever had a bottle was when I was in the hospital. She took to it fine, but I will not ever give her a bottle when I am available to her. I just can’t. It reminds me of being apart from her and I hate the way that feels.
Now, I do not think that bottles are bad. I think they are great. I was exclusively fed from a bottle when I was a baby. For me, it’s just an association that makes me sad. I love breastfeeding my baby. I was miserable when we were separated. I don’t want to relive that misery.
Except, tonight, I handed her off to her loving father and I watched as the two people I cherish most on this earth drove away.
One mile down the road…
To the library…
For 30 minutes…