So, I checked today and I haven’t blogged on here since last month!! Oops.
I mean, I have an excuse, but it’s the same one I will be using for anything that I am late for, forget about, or just plain don’t do for the next 18 years or so. Margot.
She’s GROWING UP SO FAST, guys. I mean, I really cannot handle it. I look at pictures of her as a teeny, tiny newborn and I get all weepy. Or, she masters a new skill, and I realize she’s this PERSON and soon she’ll be running and walking and talking and dancing and twirling, and then someday she’s going to be an adult and get married and have babies of her own and OH MY GOD, I CAN NOT DEAL!!!!!
Part of what makes this all so distressing for me is that Mr. Moore and I have made the difficult decision that Margot will be our one and only. There are a lot of reasons that we came to this decision, but the biggest factor is my health. I was very, very sick when I was pregnant with Margot and then after she was born I very nearly died. Those two factors converge to make a second pregnancy look kind of uncomfortable and also a bit risky. Mostly when people learn of our decision they say, “well, you don’t have to decide now.” But, the thing is, we DID need to decide now. Because I don’t want to go through Margot’s infancy and then get to the other side and realize “this will never happen in our family again.” Because I don’t want to be thinking about Margot’s future brothers and sisters all the time. Because I needed to have some of that anxiety about a subsequent pregnancy lifted off of my mind.
I know there are other options for having children beyond becoming pregnant and we have talked about all of those options. Like I said, my health was the biggest, but not the only, factor in our decision. Honestly, before my experience with Hyperemesis, I was constantly trying to convince Todd that we should have 5 or 6 babies. But, when I was sick I knew I would never be able to go through HG and take care of another child (or children) at the same time. I told Todd after I got better that I would not be able to do that again. Then, my pregnancy got easier and I thought, “well… maybe…”
Then, before Margot was one month old, we discovered I had multiple, life-threatening blood clots. When the doctors told me that I would always be at risk for developing blood clots again and that a subsequent pregnancy would mean daily painful shots in my stomach… well, the writing was on the wall.
I miss being pregnant with Margot. I loved to feel her kicks and rolls. I loved having a constant companion. I loved carrying a life around in my womb. And I am really and truly sad that I will not have that experience again. But, I know that we have made the right decision.
Still, the first time Margot rolled over, it was bittersweet. All of her firsts are. Because now she’s a baby who rolls over. My non-rolling baby won’t ever come back, and I’ll never have another non-rolling baby. I love all the new skills Margot has mastered. I love watching her discover the world. She is so into the cats, it’s crazy. She smiles and laughs and tries to talk to them and I seriously love it. I am looking forward to when she can actually chase them around the house and call them by their names, but the thought of those things also makes me sad.
I guess this is all part of being a parent. How bittersweet all of these moments are.
When I sat down to write this post, I had no idea that all of this would come out. I wasn’t really sure if we were going to write about not having any more children for a while, but… I guess I needed to write it down and say it “out loud” to the whole internet… because, I feel better about it already.
It astonishes me how often people already mention our “second child”, and every time someone says, “when you have your next…” it tugs at the place in my heart that is not quite ready to admit there is no second child or third (or fourth or fifth). It reminds me of the series of questions that people ask, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” turns into “where are you going to college?” turns into “do you have a girl/boyfriend?” turns into “when are you guys getting married?” turns into “when are you having a kid?” turns into “when are you having Number Two?”
Let me say, I am not innocent of these questions. I have asked them myself. But, after experiencing the sting of infertility… I will not ask a childless couple about their plans. It hurts to be asked that in a way you can not imagine unless you’ve been there.
And I guess now I will have to refer people here to this post whenever they say, “so, when are you planning for number two?” and maybe they’ll think twice about asking other couples that question.
To tie things up, what I actually MEANT to write in this blog post was that I will try to catch up with some back-dated posts so there are not 500 instagram photos on one post. I’ll also try to get caught up on the other blog while I’m at it. And… I guess I’ll try to stay more up-to-date with my posts in general, but… if I don’t… Hey! I have a kid! Give me a break!