I’m not even going to take it – Valentine’s Day 2012

I wrote this on February 13th, 2012, the day before I took a pregnancy test to discover that I was pregnant with Margot.  We had been trying for a while, and I was very discouraged.  I wrote it as an e-mail to myself and sent it one year into the future. I received it this morning.    

As you know… I was.  I definitely was.

This is the text message my family woke up to on Valentine’s Day 2012.

It didn’t happen this month. I know it didn’t happen.  Nothing feels different.  Every month before this one I was SURE.  I was SO SURE.  My breasts were tender.  I was moody.  I had a weird tingling feeling in my belly.  I had SOME symptom that I was so totally SURE meant I was absolutely, definitely pregnant.  Every. Month. I was sure.

And now, I know I was wrong all of those times.

It didn’t happen. It definitely didn’t happen.  I feel like I am going to get my period any minute.

But, what if that IS the symptom?  What if that IS what it feels like?

What if I was wrong all of those times, and I am wrong again, but this time I am wrong about NOT being pregnant.

No, I would feel something.  I would definitely feel something.

Wouldn’t I?

I would.

I should.

Shouldn’t I?

I’m not even going to take a test.  They are so expensive.  I don’t want to waste another one.  It’ll be the same as all of the other tests.  I’ll take it and then… 10 minutes later, I’ll get my period.  And I’ll cry.

Two weeks. I am living my life in increments of two weeks.

Two weeks up.  Two weeks down.

I don’t even want to get my hopes up.

I’m not going to take it.

I’m not even going to take it.

I’m not even going to bother.

I’m definitely not pregnant.  It definitely didn’t happen this month.

But, what if I am?

What if I am?

I’m not.

I’m definitely not.